


six degrees of separation

by earlgreylover98



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: 6 +1 trope, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fall Maiko Week 2020, Mild comic spoilers, Prompt: Reunion, but this is mainly angst, i wrote this while listening to phoebe bridgers, in which mai and zuko pine for each other for thousands of words, six degrees of separation and a reunion, this is angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:20:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27271816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlgreylover98/pseuds/earlgreylover98
Summary: At some point after she broke up with him, Zuko realized that Mai would forever be the love of his lifeHe wasn’t sure what exactly prompted the realization. Of course, he had realized that he was in love with her long before that moment - sometime after he had left her to join Team Avatar.He supposed he should have realized it sooner. After all, when he was home in the Fire Nation, he had spent every spare moment he had by her side, wishing that their afternoon picnics and stolen moments in the courtyard would go on forever. But it wasn’t until he was sitting on an airship, leaving the Boiling Rock that he realized that if she died, he would never be able to live with himself. It wasn’t until he was near the point of sobbing on the way back to the Western Air Temple that realized the true depths of his feelings for her.OrSometimes, you can't move on. Sometimes, having the person you once bore your soul to treat you like a stranger is too much. Sometimes, love hurts.
Relationships: Mai/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 122
Collections: Fall Maiko Week 2020





	six degrees of separation

**Author's Note:**

> _'Cause I remember the rush, when forever was us  
>  Before all of the winds of regret and mistrust  
> Now we sit in your car and our love is a ghost  
> Well, I guess I should go  
> Yeah, I guess I should go _  
> \- Hard Feelings by Lorde

_1\. Shock_

At some point after she broke up with him, Zuko realized that Mai would forever be the love of his life.

He wasn’t sure what exactly prompted the realization. Of course, he had realized that he was in love with her long before that moment - sometime after he had left her to join Team Avatar.

He supposed he should have realized it sooner. After all, when he was home in the Fire Nation, he had spent every spare moment he had by her side, wishing that their afternoon picnics and stolen moments in the courtyard would go on forever. But it wasn’t until he was sitting on an airship, leaving the Boiling Rock that he realized that if she died, he would never be able to live with himself. It wasn’t until he was near the point of sobbing on the way back to the Western Air Temple that realized the true depths of his feelings for her.

He loved her. In fact, he realized that she was the love of his life.

But it wasn’t until he had returned back to the Royal Palace after dealing with the situation in Yu Dao that it hit him.

A part of him was waiting for her. He knew that she was mad, but he had figured that she would be waiting for him at the Royal Palace. They would talk things through over dinner, and then she would tell him goodnight, kiss him softly, and remind him that he was an idiot. And then, she would tell him that she loved him and that she would see him tomorrow.

But when he entered the palace and he didn’t see her waiting there, he felt his heart sink just a bit.

_Maybe she needed more time._

_Maybe she didn’t know that he was back._

Zuko flipped through the list of possibilities in his mind, desperately trying to justify her absence.

Finally, he asked Suki and Ty Lee if they had heard from here.

Neither of them had and Zuko felt his blood run cold.

“Zuko,” Ty Lee said solemnly, resting her hand on his shoulder. “You should eat.”

Zuko shook his head. He felt the exhaustion of the last few days deep in his bones. “I’m not hungry.”

Ty Lee looked at Suki with a grimace.

“You should sleep then,” Suki said softly.

Zuko just nodded. He wandered through the halls of the palace, relying on memory to get him to his chambers. He collapsed on the bed, not bothering to change or even take off the royal headpiece beforehand, and stared at the ceiling.

It wasn’t the sadness of the situation that kept him awake. It was the all-encompassing numbness that kept him awake. Every time he closed his eyes, he played the memory of her leaving over and over again. Each time, he forced the memory of himself to say something - anything - to keep her from walking out those doors.

_He should have gone after her._

He finally managed to doze off, only to be woken by the sunrise an hour later. For a moment, one blissful moment, he forgot. He opened his eyes and thought that maybe he would ask Mai if she wanted to go for a picnic later that day. And then it hit him again.

As did the realization that this time, she wasn’t coming back.

He knew he was stupid for thinking that she would, for clinging onto the hope that he hadn’t completely ruined things between the two of them. But as he dressed for the day he tried to maintain his composure as Fire Lord and not seem like some seventeen-year-old boy who had just been dumped. He needed to get through his day and the only way he could do that was by settling into the comfort of denial and hope that she would come back.

After everything they’ve been through, they didn’t deserve this ending. In fact, Zuko didn’t think they deserved an ending at all, just the rest of their lives.

He did his best to concentrate on his meetings and trying to lead his country, but he couldn’t help but let his mind wander into the chasm of his memory.

It was almost like he could see their former selves walking around the palace. He could see all the stolen kisses and sweet nothings whispered wash the palace with light and life before fading back into nothingness. In fact, he swore he heard the faint sound of a splash and the sound of laughter when he walked into the courtyard that day.

He ate dinner accompanied only by the endless stream of memories coursing through his mind. As much as he wanted them to stop, and to stop reminding him of all he had lost, he was grateful that at least he wasn’t totally alone.

Slowly though, the memories turned bitter. Slowly, all those sweet stolen moments turned into broken promises and secrets. Zuko had never been mad at her for leaving. He wasn’t mad that she broke up with him, mad at himself and disappointed that they weren’t going to talk things through. But as he reflected back on the past few months, he realized that she had given him enough chances. She had done her best to be understanding, patient and supportive. But that wasn’t enough.

And after everything they had been through, after being reunited after almost three years apart only to be ripped apart by a war, it didn’t feel right that this is what broke them.

No matter how many times he thought about it, or how many times Zuko tried to force himself to say the words, he could never quite process it.

_This can’t be the end_ , he thought.

Every morning he woke up and she was the first thing he thought about and for a brief moment, he lived in the sweet bliss of confusion. But the second he got out of bed, it hit again. Every single day, he woke up only to remember that she wasn’t coming back.

And slowly the shock turned into sadness and it took every ounce of his strength to keep the façade of composure and ignore his broken heart.

_2\. Denial_

At first, Mai didn’t tell Aunt Mura that she and Zuko had broken up. It took her about a week to finally reckon with it long enough and manifest it into reality.

“He’s in Yu Dao,” she answered when her aunt had asked her if she had seen him recently.

“I hope he’s okay,” Mura responded sincerely.

“Me too,” Mai whispered.

She forced herself to blink back a few tears and focus back on the bouquet she was arranging for the shop.

She couldn’t get the words out.

_We broke up._

It was all of three words, but she couldn’t force them out.

She briefly thought about another set of three words and the fear she had felt saying them out loud. But then, she had been met with a soft kiss and _I love you, I love you, I love you_ repeated over and over again.

Leaving had been hard enough but admitting it to someone felt too final.

If she was going to be honest, she thought about going back. In fact, the minute she left, she thought about stopping when he called out to her. But she kept her composure and forced herself to think about why she needed to do this.

She left not because she didn’t love him, but because she did.

It felt wrong though and Mai wondered if she was giving up too easily. After everything they had been through, she hadn’t expected it to end this way. After, his banishment and the war, she hadn’t realized that dating a sitting Fire Lord would somehow be harder.

Maybe it was because banishment and the war were meant to be temporary.

Mai had known that Zuko being Fire Lord wasn’t going to be easy, and she prepared herself to fight for their relationship, and to be there to support him through this. But it wasn’t enough. She hadn’t prepared herself enough to grapple with the fact that Zuko was visiting Ozai, she hadn’t prepared herself to be sidelined to all the secrets he wanted to keep.

She hadn’t prepared herself to be shut out completely.

And it hurt, more than she could put into words, especially after all the sacrifice she had made. Maybe if they were older, this wouldn’t have been so bad. Maybe, if the both of them weren’t just kids trying to heal from war, things could have been different.

But that wasn’t what fate had dealt them and Mai refused to let herself wallow in the knowledge of what could have been.

So, she slowly forced herself to accept it.

And a week after she had walked out of the Royal Palace, she told Mura what had happened. Her aunt had wrapped Mai up in a hug and Mai had let herself let out the sob she had been holding back for a week.

And that was that.

She didn’t bring it up again afterwards. She didn’t talk about Zuko. She didn’t cry over him. She even tried her hardest to not think about Zuko. But sometimes a customer would come into the shop and say something about the new Fire Lord and Mai would do her best to keep her composure.

It didn’t get any easier over time, Mai just got better at ignoring it.

She did her best to move on.

That was until her date with Kei Lo. Maybe, if things were different, she could have genuinely enjoyed her time with him. Instead, her mind wandered back to Zuko.

She knew it wasn’t fair to think about Zuko. It was fair to Kei Lo and to be honest, it wasn’t fair to Mai either. As much as she wanted to forget about Zuko, she couldn’t. Even before Kei Lo, she would think about him all the time. She would think about him as she arranged the bouquets in the shop and out of habit thought about bringing him a bouquet to brighten up his study. She would think about him every time she poured herself a cup of tea, or saw a turtleduck, or heard someone talking about a play they had seen. It was constant and overwhelming and Mai didn’t know how to make it stop.

Although, if Mai were going to be honest, there was a part of her who didn’t want it to stop. The memories of him and the little reminders were all she had and she didn’t want to let them go.

She hoped that forcing herself to move on would make it easier to let him go and to move on. But if anything, it only made it harder. Her first date with Kei Lo was a disaster. Yet, Mai knew that even if it hadn’t been so awful, she still would have ended up staring at the old picture she kept of her and Zuko.

It was absolutely pathetic and she knew it. She wanted to get rid of it, but letting go of another piece of him was too much. So she resigned it to her drawer and did her best to ignore it.

She failed miserably.

As much as she didn’t want to admit to herself, she was still in love with him and she wasn’t sure that any amount of time could change that. She could do her best to ignore it, but Mai didn’t think her feelings for Zuko would ever change.

She wondered briefly if she were destined to spend the rest of her life pining after a relationship she knew would never work. She pushed the thought aside, and she forced herself not to think about how wonderful things had been before everything went wrong.

Every time she looked at the picture though, she thought about how happy and how in love they both looked.

And every now and again, Mai would open the drawer, take out the picture and let herself be transported back to that day. She could feel the heat of the sun shining down from above, and Zuko’s hand in hers. She could hear his voice, clear as day, and almost smiled as the memory of his smile played through her mind.

_3\. Regret_

There were a lot of thoughts and a lot of emotions running through Zuko’s mind as he saw Mai with Kei Lo. But the regret was overwhelming -as was the self-loathing.

The weirdest part, though, was that Zuko couldn’t remember their last kiss. In fact, when he saw her with Kei Lo, it was one of the first things he had thought about.

He knew it didn’t matter, and that the past was the past. But still, as he saw Mai with Kei Lo, his mind ran back in time to all the moments they shared. He couldn’t remember their last kiss though.

Zuko soon realized that it was because they never got a last kiss. Of course, there was a last kiss, but there wasn’t a final kiss.

But he couldn’t stop thinking about it, wondering what it was and how he had missed it.

A part of him wanted to force himself back into the moment and say one final ‘I love you’. There were a lot of moments he wished he could return back to, to force himself to do something differently and stop her from leaving before it was too late.

He knew it was selfish. She was with Kei Lo now.

But Zuko couldn’t help but wonder if she was happy. She looked happy, but he also knew that the soft smiles she directed towards Kei Lo were lackluster compared to the ones he had been on the receiving end of.

When Mai smiled at him, it felt like the sun was shining directly on his face. He knew what people said, that was cold, dark and gloomy, but when Mai smiled at him, Zuko couldn’t understand how anyone could think of her as cold.

As weird it was, seeing Mai with Kei Lo almost gave him hope. He could tell that something wasn’t right. He knew her better than he knew anyone. And a small, deeply selfish part of his knew that Mai and Kei Lo wouldn’t last. That part of him hoped they wouldn’t last.

Zuko knew that the end of Kei Lo and Mai’s relationship wouldn’t necessarily mean that he would get back together with her, but it was enough to give him hope.

It was completely and utterly selfish and Zuko knew that. He wanted her to be happy, more than anything. He wanted her to be with someone who loved and cherished her. The problem was that Zuko knew that that person should have been him.

During the whole incident with the Kemurikage, Zuko had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t bring it up. That he would suffer in silence, grit his teeth and remind himself that Mai was happy.

But he couldn’t help but bring it up, the second they were alone together.

Zuko had spent a lot of time thinking about all the things he wanted to tell her if he ever got a moment alone with her. In fact, by this point, Zuko had an entire speech memorized. He would start by apologizing, admitting that he was wrong and that he was sorry. He would explain that he’d changed since she left.

And that he still loved her. He had never stopped loving her and he was never going to stop loving her.

He couldn’t find the right words though. He had spent so many nights staring at the ceiling and thinking about all the things he wanted to say to her, rehearsing them in his mind and hoping that he would find the opportunity to tell her.

And somehow, despite spending months thinking about this, he blew it.

He couldn’t help but replay her words over and over again in his mind.

_You broke my heart, Zuko! Twice! And the stupid thing is, I let you!_

She was right. The stupidest part was that Zuko was so busy focusing on his own broken heart, he didn’t consider Mai’s feelings. He knew he had messed up, but he didn’t realize just how much he had hurt her until that moment and Zuko knew that he would never forgive himself for it.

He couldn’t undo it, but he could sit there silently and let her be with Kei Lo. Maybe she didn’t love him or care about him the same way she had with Zuko. But if Mai was okay with that, then Zuko would have to be okay with that too.

He had meant what he said, it was nice to see her happier. And as much as he missed her, he had to keep reminding himself that she was happy.

It made it hurt a little less - knowing that she was happyish.

But still, Zuko couldn’t help but compare it to how happy she was in his early days as Fire Lord, before everything went wrong.

And he still couldn’t stop trying to think back to their last kiss. It killed him that he couldn’t remember it. He could remember every single detail of their relationship, but not that one.

Finally, one night he lay awake staring at the ceiling and thinking about her - as he did most nights. He racked his brain again trying to remember it. He could remember the last ‘I love you,’ and the last hug and all these other little last moments but not this. And then, finally, it hit him.

It was the morning of their break-up. They were having breakfast together and Mai had to leave. She leaned down to kiss him bye. It wasn’t a proper goodbye kiss, it was a ‘see-you-later’ kiss. Quick, and part of their routine. He had then smiled at her as she got up. He gently squeezed her hand to say bye and told her to have a good day.

It was simple and soft and part of their routine - nothing more than a quick gesture of love and affection void of the heartbreak that had become ever so present in their lives.

_4\. Resignation_

If Mai were going to be honest, her break up with Kei Lo was a bit of a relief. She figured that it was inevitable and was just glad to get it over with.

He liked her more than she liked him. And for a while, that was fine. She felt a little guilty, but she knew that the possibility was there that _maybe_ one day, she could like him back.

She knew that she didn’t like Kei Lo the same way he liked her. It wasn’t until she saw Zuko that Mai knew that it was a problem.

She would have been fine not loving someone ever again until she remembered what it was like.

Mai had spent a lot of her life being scared of being vulnerable. But then Zuko came back into her life and before Mai knew what she was doing, she let her guard down. She fell in love before she even realized it. And it was wonderful until it wasn’t. And then the same thing happened again.

It hurt more this time. Mai had thought that she had found the love of her life. Mai had let herself think that after the war, they would get their happy ending. And when Mai realized that they didn’t, it hurt more than she could bear. That’s why Kei Lo seemed perfect. She could care for him without having to worry about getting hurt again.

Yet, even when she was with Kei Lo, she would think of Zuko all the time. It wasn’t fair to him and she knew that. It wasn’t fair to anyone, but Mai wanted to move on and time wasn’t making her break up with Zuko any easier. She couldn’t blame Kei Lo for breaking up with her. If she was in his position, she would have done the same thing. But she couldn’t help but be disappointed in herself for continuing to pine after a relationship she knew would never work.

She missed it though, letting herself love someone. She missed the feeling of being in love with someone, and caring about them. There hadn’t been a lot of love in her life until Zuko came back. Returning back to that bleakness was awful.

Kei Lo hadn’t really helped. In fact, Kei Lo made it worse because he made Mai realize that she was too in love with Zuko to ever love someone else. She wanted to hate Zuko for that, just a little. But then she would think about the way he would smile when he asked about her day and the look in his eyes as he clung onto every word.

It wasn’t just that though. She missed the way he’d lean his head on her shoulder when he was having a bad day or the way he’d smile when she brought him a cup of tea between meetings. She missed being able to make him happy. She missed being able to love him. And she missed being loved back.

But too much time had passed for her to do anything about it. Mai had made it very clear to Zuko that she

wanted to move on. She told him in the cave to stop and she was still so mad at him for everything. And she was still so mad at herself for letting herself react. He was right and she hated that he knew it. He was right that she would never like Kei Lo the same way she loved him.

And when she saw him later after Kiyi disappeared, her first instinct was to hug him. She did it without thinking, throwing her arms around him and resting her head on his shoulder, feeling the warmth of his skin and he gently hugged her back. For a moment, she forgot that they weren’t together, that Kei Lo was standing right next to them, and clung onto him tighter.

She thought about that hug a lot. More than she thought about her break up with Kei Lo, if she were going to be honest.

As much as she wanted to move on, she couldn’t. As much as she loved Zuko, she knew that if things didn’t change between them, their relationship would never work. So, Mai resigned herself to what the situation was, and every night before she slept, she took the picture of the two of them she kept in her drawer and looked at it for a brief moment before drifting off to sleep.

_5\. Friends_

Zuko tried not to let himself get too excited when he learned Mai and Kei Lo broke up. When Ty Lee mentioned it, Zuko did his best to keep his composure.

“Zuko,” Ty Lee sighed, when she saw him try and bite back a smile. “She just broke up with Kei Lo.”

“I know,” Zuko said with a fake air of sincerity.

“Stop being happy about it,” Ty Lee said. “You know that you two broke up for a reason.”

“I know,” Zuko grimaced.

“Zuko,” Ty Lee sighed. “I’m rooting for you both. I really am, but both of you need to figure out your own stuff.”

Zuko didn’t meet her eyes.

“Look. You both are so in love with each other, it’s honestly a little painful to watch. But you’ve been in love with each other for years, you’ll find your way back. I mean, you two are meant for each other.”

“Thanks,” Zuko said miserably.

“I’m serious Zuko,” Ty Lee said. “I’ve seen your aura’s when you’re together. You two bring out the best in each other. Besides, you’ve spent the majority of your life pining after each other.”

Zuko didn’t respond. He was staring off into the distance, his eyes glassy.

Ty Lee sighed.

The next morning she found Suki.

“We need to talk,” Ty Lee murmured, gently grabbing Suki’s arm and finding a deserted hallway in the palace. “It’s an emergency.”

“What’s wrong?” Suki asked, her hands went to the hilt of her sword as her eyes darted around the palace as if looking for any potential threats.

Ty Lee shook her head. “It’s about Zuko and Mai.”

“Oh,” Suki said. “What’s going on?”

“Have you talked to either of them recently?”

“I had lunch with Mai last week,” Suki answered with a frown.

“And?”

“And, I know she and Kei Lo broke up.”

Ty Lee nodded. “They did. Zuko knows.”

“Ty Lee,” Suki sighed. “You said this was an emergency.”

“It is!” Ty Lee protested. “Have you seen how miserable the two of them are?”

Suki was silent.

“It’s not our place to meddle,” Suki said quietly.

“I’m not planning on meddling,” Ty Lee said defensively.

“Then how did Zuko know about Mai and Kei Lo,” Suki questioned, crossing her arms.

Ty Lee was silent and Suki raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, it would have come up anyway. Besides, he asks about her all the time. I swear, I think he counts how many days it’s been since he’s asked about her just to avoid seeming too desperate.”

Suki sighed. “They’re both so hopeless.”

“They are. It’s been months since they broke up and they’re both still pining and miserable. I don’t want to meddle, but I can’t watch them like this. It’s making me miserable just to watch them. And it’s not meddling, I think we just need to get them into the same room together and let them figure it out.”

Suki didn’t say anything.

Later that afternoon, Suki brought up giving some of the children kidnapped by the Kemurikage a special tour of the palace for the upcoming Fire Lily Festival. Zuko nodded in agreement, and delegated the task to the palace staff.

For a moment, he thought about Tom-Tom and wondered if he would see Mai. He couldn’t ask Ty Lee about it though, he had already asked her about Mai this week. He knew it was pathetic, but he desperately wanted to know how she was going, to know that she was okay. But he knew that he couldn’t just ask Mai directly and would occasionally ask Ty Lee. He made sure to space it out enough so that it wouldn’t be suspicious.

Still, he was shocked to see her at the palace with Tom-Tom.

“Hi,” he said awkwardly.

“Hello,” she said back.

“Mai,” a voice behind them squealed.

“Hi Ty Lee,” Mai sighed as Ty Lee embraced her. “I saw you yesterday.”

Ty Lee’s eyes flashed between Mai and Zuko, and she smiled. “I know. I just missed you. Besides, it’s been a while since all three of us have been together.”

Neither Zuko or Mai knew what to say to that.

“Ty Lee,” Suki called over. “Are you ready to begin?”

Ty Lee grinned. “I know the palace staff planned a really special tour for the kids. I’m excited.”

“I’m sure they did,” Mai remarked.

“Things are never boring around here,” Zuko supplied.

The tour started. Mai and Zuko walked in silence awkwardly together. Zuko had decided not to lead the tour, given that he barely knew anything about the palace.

“Where’s Tom-Tom?” he asked after a moment, trying to break the awkward silence.

“He’s with Kiyi in the front,” Mai replied.

“They seem like they’re good friends,” Zuko said.

Mai just nodded and the silence resumed.

She couldn’t take it. She thought about all the other times they had walked around the palace together. Even back then, when they walked in silence, it had never felt awkward. It had never felt cold. It made Mai feel a little sick to think about how something so warm and wonderful felt so dead now.

“So,” Zuko said awkwardly. “How have you been?”

“Okay,” Mai said. “I’ve just been working in the shop.”

Zuko nodded. “That’s cool.”

“So. How have you been?” Mai asked. She hated it. She hated how awkward her words sounded. She hated that she’d asked him that question a million times before and each time she had, she knew that he was going to tell her what was wrong and let her in. Now, she knew that she was going to get some superficial answer because she wasn’t in his life anymore.

“Good,” he said.

Mai wanted to throw up.

“That’s good,” she responded. Her words sounded colder than she meant them and the silence between them resumed.

It wasn’t until after the tour ended that they spoke again.

“That was great,” Ty Lee said excitedly as she walked up to the two of them after the tour. She could practically feel the nervousness and awkwardness between the two of them.

Mai nodded her head.

“Yeah,” Zuko said. “I learned a lot.”

“I should find Tom-Tom,” Mai said after a moment.

“I need to find Kiyi as well,” Zuko nodded.

“They’re still together,” Ty Lee said. “I think they’re becoming fast friends.”

No one said anything.

_Why are they so stubborn?_ Ty Lee desperately trying to figure out what to say next.

“I have an idea,” Ty Lee said. “Why don’t we all take them to the festival tomorrow night. It’ll be fun! We used to go every year as kids.”

Mai remembered. She wondered if Zuko was also thinking about how the summer before he was banished, he had given her a Fire Lily after the festival and how she had kissed him on the cheek.

She still had the Fire Lily. She had pressed it before it died. It now sat in a drawer next to a photograph.

“That sounds fun,” Zuko said, perking up slightly, “Mai?”

“Yeah. Sounds fun,” she said, doing her best to keep her cool as she played the memory over and over again in her mind.

As much as Mai dreaded it, the festival turned out to be a lot of fun. It was nice to see Tom-Tom so happy and socializing with kids his age. Ty Lee was right, Kiyi and him were good friends.

Being around Zuko wasn’t as awkward as Mai had thought it was going to be. Maybe it was because the lights and buzz of the festival around them made it so hard to focus on anything other than the moment they were in. For once, Mai’s brain shut up about how she’d ruined things for the two of them and let her enjoy the moment.

She’d missed him so much and being with him again felt like breathing for the first time in months.

“You know,” Ty Lee had said during dinner. “Tom-Tom and Kiyi are great friends. I think it would be good for them to see more of each other.”

Suki nodded in agreement. “It’s so important for the two of them to be close. I mean, especially given

how scary the Kemurikage incident was. Maybe, they should start having playdates.”

“Yeah,” Mai said. “That sounds like it would be good for them.”

Zuko felt his heart do a summersault. “Yeah. I think that would be great.”

He wondered if this meant he would see more of her.

Both of them were so lost in thought that they didn’t notice the eye roll Suki directed towards Ty Lee.

***

Kiyi often came to the Royal Palace to spend time with her brother and the playdates between Kiyi and Tom-Tom soon became a regular occurrence. At first, Mai and Zuko weren’t always there. Mai would drop Tom-Tom off and get back to work and Zuko had Fire Lord duties to attend to. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to see the other, it was that they did.

It wasn’t until a year after their break up, and many months since Tom-Tom and Kiyi’s playdates started that Mai and Zuko actually started talking again.

It all started when Zuko had asked her for a flower recommendation. Mai froze when she heard the words and couldn’t help but wonder if he was seeing someone else.

It shouldn’t have upset her so much. She had dated other people in the time since their break up, but the thought of him with someone else was enough to send a wave of nausea crashing over her. She briefly wondered if he had felt the same when she was with Kei Lo.

The feeling of relief she felt when she realized that the flowers were for his mother was short lived though. She knew that she shouldn’t have felt this relieved by the fact that Zuko wasn’t seeing anyone and that made it so much worse because it was just another reminder that Mai couldn’t move on.

Still, she swallowed whatever feelings were brimming up to the surface and listened to him describe his mother’s likes and dislikes.

The next time she took Tom-Tom to the palace, she brought him the bouquet and accepted his invitation for tea.

“To say thank you,” he clarified.

She nodded and sat down. It was awkward at first. But, slowly Mai and Zuko fell back into a rhythm with one another, and their occasional conversations became a regular occurance.

The first time she teased him, Zuko thought he was going to pass out. He missed it so much - the loving undertones of her voice and the soft smile she’d always try and bite back. He responded with his own little quip and she exhaled sharply in amusement.

It felt so much like old times that for a minute Zuko forgot and out of habit went to take her hand in his. He lifted his hand up, only to remember and clench his hand in a fist by his side.

It went on like this for a while, the two of them, sitting and talking while their siblings played together. They tried to keep themselves from forgetting that they weren’t together and were constantly needing to remind themselves that this was their new normal.

_Friends_

She supposed it made sense. They were, after all, childhood friends. And slowly, they grew closer again. Slowly, the awkward glances and long silences went back to their warmth. Slowly, Zuko started letting her in, asking her for advice and telling her about his meetings and days. And then out of nowhere the intensity was back. Their conversations turned from politics to their lives. Zuko told her the full story of his mother and Mai confided in him about how much her parent’s split had hurt her. And alongside, all these small moments came the reassuring glances and gestures and the lingering of what had once been and the knowledge that they could not return there.

It was hard and Mai wondered briefly if it were worth it. All the old feelings that had turned from an overwhelming intensity to a dull ache were starting to stir again and Mai didn’t know if she could continue to ignore them.

But then Zuko would smile at her and it didn’t matter how much it hurt, having Zuko back in her life made it worth it.

_6\. Longing_

It was Kiyi who suggested that Tom-Tom stay over. Mai agreed and Zuko asked if she wanted to stay for dinner.

Mai accepted. She and Zuko were friends and this was normal. Friends had dinner together. Besides, they were doing this for Kiyi and Tom-Tom.

And yet still, after she had said bye to Tom-Tom for the night, Zuko had decided to walk Mai out of the palace.

She didn’t know how but somehow, they had ended up by the palace courtyard.

“How many turtleducks are there now?” she teased.

Zuko let out a breathy laugh. “A lot.”

Neither of them knew why, but the palace courtyard was suddenly filled with them. When Zuko had told her, Mai had pointed out that it was because he obsessively fed them. Zuko denied this and said that they must like the flowers there.

He was ridiculous.

“Do you want to see them?” he asked.

Mai nodded.

“Twenty five,” Mai said as she finished counting.

“You're lying,” he said.

She raised an eyebrow. “Count them yourself.”

She sat on the bench by the fountain as she watched him count.

“Twenty five,” he mumbled when he was done.

“I’m always right,” she said playfully.

“I know,” Zuko said, rolling his eyes.

They talked for a bit more, about everything and nothing, until a comfortable silence washed over them.

They sat there for a moment and Zuko thought about all the moments they had shared sitting next to each other by this very same fountain. He remembered the way she’d lean her head against his shoulder and the way he’d wrap his arms around her and press a kiss into her hair. And then he looked at her, his breath catching as he saw her face illuminated by the flicker of the lanterns in the courtyard and moonlight reflecting in her eyes.

He stared at her and for a moment wondered where they would be if he hadn’t screwed everything up. The visions of this other idyllic life danced around in his mind as he slowly rewrote his memories of the past two years to include her and saw the endless stretch of days that could have been another reality.

“What?” she said softly. Her brows were creased in confusion as she saw Zuko staring at her.

And then before he could even think about what he was doing, he turned his face towards her and kissed her.

He felt her freeze but before he could move and stutter out an apology, he felt her hands in his hair and he felt her kiss him back. The world seemed so warm and so beautiful at that moment and he decided that even if she killed him for this afterwards, it would have been worth it just to have this as his final moment.

When they broke apart, he closed his eyes and rested his forehead on hers - briefly wishing he could pause reality and prevent her from saying whatever she was about to.

“Zuko,” she sighed.

He kept his eyes close.

“Please,” he whispered, reaching up to cup her face in his hands and thinking about how perfect it all had been - how perfect it could be again.

“I can’t.”

“Why?” he whispered. The memories flooded through his head - beautiful and breathtaking.

_This could be us again. We just need to try_ , he thought.

“You know why,” she said miserably. “We can’t work like this. You’re the Fire Lord and I’m always going to come second.”

“That’s not true.”

He could see the tears welling up in her eyes and he gently went to wipe them away.

“Don’t,” she said, grabbing his wrist. “Don’t make this harder than it is.”

“Mai, I promise you. Things are different,” he said, dropping his hand.

She turned to the fountain, blinking back the tears. “For you. Things are different for you. Everything’s the same for me.”

He nodded. There wasn’t anything to say.

“I should go,” she said quietly. “Thank you for dinner.”

And before he could say anything, or she could let the sob forming in her chest out, she left.

That night, she lay awake and stared at the ceiling. Finally, when she accepted that she wasn’t going to sleep that night, Mai reached into her drawer and pulled out the old picture of the two of them.

She held it to her chest and let out a quiet cry.

The day after was rough. For both of them.

Mai’s aunt came to pick up Tom-Tom the following morning. She briefly wondered why the Fire Lord looked so exhausted and like he had been crying. But when she returned back home, she knew that it must have had something to do with Mai.

Mura had never seen her niece like this before. Mai wasn’t very expressive, Mura knew this and she had done her best to encourage her niece that this was a safe place for her to express her emotions.

Nothing had prepared her for the sight of Mai that morning. Her hair was out of her usual buns and insteal piled sloppily on top of her head. She was still wearing her sleeping clothes, which were still wrinkled, and she was holding a mug of tea. Her eyes were glassy and rimmed with red. And when she spoke her voice was hoarse.

“I didn’t sleep last night. I’m going back to bed.”

It was eerie. But it wasn’t until she heard Mai crying in her room that she started to get worried.

“Mai?” Mura said gently, knocking on the door.

There was no response.

“Are you okay?” Mura tried again.

“I’m fine,” a small voice said.

“Can I come in?” Mura asked.

There was no response.

“Mai?” she tried again.

“I’m coming in,” she declared.

She opened the door to see Mai lying on her bed. She had clearly been crying.

“Mai,” Mura whispered softly. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Mai grumbled.

Mura sat down on the bed next to her niece. It was then she saw a picture lying on Mai’s nightstand. Mura looked back to Mai. “Did something happen with Zuko?”

“No,” Mai said, blinking back tears again. “Nothing happened.”

Mura raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything.

And then Mai let out a choked sob.

“Oh, Mai,” Mura murmured, wrapping her arms around her niece.

“I’m fine. I don’t know why I’m crying. This is so _stupid_ ,” Mai sobbed.

Mura was silent. She continued to hold her niece, waiting for Mai to say something.

“Boys are so stupid,” she sobbed.

“I know,” Mura said. “Trust me, I know.”

Mura didn’t press on, she held her niece until finally Mai drifted off. When she saw Mai later, Mai didn’t bring it up. She simply made herself another cup of tea and returned to her room.

Mai had decided that she was going to give herself exactly one day to wallow. She had tried her best to keep her composure but last night, sometime inside her had broken and all the things she had told herself not to feel began flooding her mind. It was too much.

All the pining, all the remorse, all the hopes and dreams, came flooding out of her in a seemingly endless stream of tears.

She hadn’t cried this much when she and Zuko broke up two years ago. She certainly hadn’t cried when she and Kei Lo broke up. But now, the tears were overwhelming and non-stopping.

She didn’t understand why. She and Zuko weren’t even dating. They were friends and that was it. Or at least, that’s what she thought.

They were friends and Mai was still hopelessly in love with him. She hadn’t realized he felt the same way and was determined to her part to move on. And yet, she hadn’t dated anyone since Kei Lo and had rejected every single one of Mura’s attempts to set her up.

It wasn't until Zuko had kissed her last night that Mai realized that she was never going to move on. When he kissed her, Mai suddenly saw everything in the world with a rosy hue - everything was brighter and softer and she so badly wanted to cling to that vision. But the moment they broke apart, it all shattered.

She couldn’t do this again.

It wasn’t until she got home that Mai thought about the possibility that things could have been different - things could have been better. And the realization that she may have ruined it forever was enough to send her over the edge.

So, Mai allowed herself one day to wallow - to let it all out because it had been years since their break up and she still loved him but now she had ruined things forever.

She didn’t bring it up the next day. Mai got up, she splashed a little water on her face and ignored the pounding of her head. She put her hair up in her normal buns and dressed for the day. She looked at herself in the mirror and decided that she looked normal enough to see Mura again.

She could feel Mura’s curiosity but she didn’t say anything.

She thanked her aunt for being so understanding, asked if she would be willing to take Tom-Tom to her playdates with Kiyi from now on, and got on with her day.

From then on, the flower shop was void of any mention of the Fire Lord. Even Ty Lee and Suki didn’t dare bring him up when they visited. Neither of them knew what had happened that night, but when they saw Zuko the next morning, they knew whatever had happened was not good.

They knew better than to ask. And they knew better than to bring it up again. So, the silence stretched out for weeks.

Zuko knew that he had blown it - that this was it. He knew it, but he couldn’t accept it. This time, losing her hurt more than he could bear. They broke up years ago, but somehow having her back as a friend only to lose her once more was worse than their break up.

This time, it hurt too much to even think about her. He stopped asking Ty Lee and Suki about how she was doing and once again forced himself to accept the fact that she wasn’t coming back.

_At least this time,_ Zuko thought to himself bitterly, _I’ll remember our last kiss._

This time, it wasn’t any easier. But Zuko was good at pretending it was.

_1\. Reunion_

Months passed between their kiss and the courtyard and their next meeting.

Mura had gotten stuck doing deliveries and had asked Mai to pick up Tom-Tom. Mai frozen, her heart suddenly stopping at the thought of going back to the Royal Palace.

Her heart couldn’t help but do a summersault when she saw him with Kiyi.

“Hello,” she greeted stiffly.

“Hi,” he responded, matching her tone.

The awkwardness between them was back. And she hated it. She wondered if this was it - she had shut him out completely and now they would be nothing more than two people who once knew each other.

But to have the person who once made your world light up treat you like a stranger was horrible. And even if this is what she wanted, or had convinced herself that she had wanted, it hurt.

She grabbed Tom-Tom’s bag and walked back to the shop. She finished up her work in the shop and watched Tom-Tom until Mura came back. And then she went up to her room, closed the door, and she slid down to the floor. She hugged her knees to her chest a-s she let out a sob.

The next day, Mura brought it up again.

“Mai,” she sighed. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Mai responded.

Mura raised an eyebrow. “I’m trying to help you.”

“There’s nothing to help.”

Mura sighed. “You still love him.”

It wasn’t a question, or even an observation - it was a fact.

Mai’s silence was all the confirmation Mura needed.

“Oh Mai,” Mura said sympathetically, reaching to embrace her niece.

And suddenly Mai found herself blinking back tears again. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over.”

“What happened?”

In all the time since that night in the courtyard, Mai hadn’t brought it up.

“He kissed me,” she finally said. “And then I left.”

“Why?” Mura asked.

“Because… because I-,” she couldn’t finish the sentence.

“You were scared,” Mura supplied.

Mai was silent again.

“You were scared so you left?” Mura inquired.

“No,” Mai finally said. “It wasn’t that I was scared. Things aren’t going to work out between us. We’ve broken up so many times before and now I know that loving someone isn’t enough.”

“You’re wrong.”

Mai frowned. “How am I wrong about this?”

“You two have been finding your way back to each other for almost a decade. You’ve grown together and you’ve grown apart, and somehow, it’s always the two of you.”

“That’s not fair.”

“You didn’t cry when you and Kei Lo broke up. You didn’t even care. And now, years after you’ve broken up, a single kiss with Zuko is enough to send you spiraling. That’s love.”

“You don’t think I know that?” Mai couldn’t keep the anger out of her voice.

“Then why isn’t it enough?” Mura questioned.

“Because,” she started, struggling to find the words. “Because, love wasn’t enough last time. Besides, I blew it. That’s that. That’s the end of the story.”

Mura raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think it is.”

Mai was silent.  
  
“Talk to him. One way or another, you both need to move on,” Mura supplied gently.

Mai closed her eyes and nodded.

A week later, Mai had to go pick up Tom-Tom from his playdate with Kiyi again. She couldn’t prove that Mura did this on purpose, but she suspected it.

Half of her prayed to the spirits that he wasn’t there, the other half prayed that he was.

As luck would have it, Tom-Tom and Kiyi were in his study.

Mai sighed and knocked on the door.

“Come in,” a voice said.

She walked into the room only to find Zuko sitting on the couch, reading to Kiyi and Tom-Tom.

“Mai,” he said, startled.

She closed her eyes. He hadn’t heard him say her name in so long.

“Hi,” she whispered. “Tom-Tom, are you ready?”

Tom-Tom shook his head. “Can we finish the story?”

Mai sighed.

“It won’t take long,” Zuko added. “We’re almost done.”

“I guess,” Mai said. “What are you reading?”

“ _Love Amongst the Dragons_ ,” Zuko answered.

Mai couldn’t help but let out a little smile.

“Indoctrinating from a young age,” she joked before she could help it.

“It’s a classic,” Zuko defended, meeting her eyes and her smile. For a second, it was like nothing was

wrong.

Then he looked down at the ground and Mai remembered.

“Anyway,” she said. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

“No, it’s fine,” Zuko responded hurriedly.

“Zuzu,” Kiyi whined. “Can we finish the story now?”

Zuko nodded and picked the book back up. Mai closed her eyes and listened to the rest of the story. She forgot how much he loved this play, but she could practically hear the smile in his voice as he finished reading to the kids. It made her smile too.

They finished up and Mai went to grab Tom-Tom’s stuff.

She turned to Zuko. “Thank you for the story.”

“Anytime,” he said, meeting her gaze.

She stared at him for a moment, feeling the butterflies in her stomach as if she was twelve again. “Can we talk?” she blurted out.

Zuko looked startled. “I guess?”

Neither of them moved.

“Now?” Zuko asked.

Mai just stood there, trying to figure out what to say.

“Mai?” Tom-Tom said suddenly.

She looked down, suddenly snapping back to reality. “I have to take Tom-Tom home.”

“Okay,” Zuko said nervously. “Do you want me to come with you?”

Mai shook her head. “I’ll be back.”

She didn’t know what she was doing or why she was saying the things she was saying. But before she could change her mind, she walked Tom-Tom and then turned back in the direction of the palace.

She found him in the courtyard.

“Hi,” she said, sitting next to him on the bench.

“Hi,” he said awkwardly. “So.”

“So.”

“What did you want to talk to me about?” he asked.

She felt the awkwardness hanging in the air and she wanted to scream.

“You can’t do this to me,” she blurted out.

“What?” he asked surprised.

“You- you can’t treat me like I’m a stranger.”

He stared at her for a moment, before shaking his head.

“What do you want then?” he asked. “I thought this is what you wanted. I thought you wanted nothing to do with me.”

“I-”

“You broke up with me. You’re the one who didn’t want to be together. Mai, I haven’t seen you in months.”

“We’re still friends!” she protested. She knew it was a lie.

“No, we’re not,” he said, shaking his head. “You can’t say that knowing what happened the last time we tried to be friends. It didn't work. We’re not friends, Mai. We’re never going to be friends. We tried and I was miserable.”

“You were miserable?” she repeated.

He sighed. “I’ve been in love with you since I was sixteen. That’s never stopped and that’s never going to stop. Being friends is just too hard. We spent years trying and it didn’t work.”

“It’s been months though,” she said. The second the words left her mouth, she knew it was meaningless. No amount of time was going to change the feelings they had harboured for years.

He stared at her for a moment. “Is that what you want then? To just be friends. Because I can’t do that. Mai, I realized a long time ago that you’re _it_ for me - I’m never going to love someone as much as I love you. And I’m never going to stop loving you. And as much as I want you in my life, I can’t just be friends with you. It’s too hard.”

“You think it wasn’t hard for me?” she exclaimed.

“What?” he asked in surprise.

“Being friends. Do you think that’s what I wanted? Because it hurt for me too, Zuko.”

“Then what did you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“You can’t do this. You’re the one who didn’t want to be in a relationship.”

“That’s not fair.”

He raised an eyebrow. “How is that not fair? I don’t know what you want.”

“I,” she started. “I don’t know what I want, either. I think about you all the time. I’ve never stopped thinking about you. All those years ago, with Kei Lo - you were right, I was never going to care for him the same way I love you.”

She swallowed before continuing, “I want you in my life.”

“Then what’s holding you back?” he asked eagerly. He turned to face her now, and she could see the hope in his eyes.

She was silent.

“I don’t understand what’s holding you back. You keep saying how you want me in your life, and you love me and I feel the same way. But, you don’t want to be together,”

She shook her head. There it all was, the entire situation laid out perfect. The problem, and the solution and it would have been so easy for her to accept it.

“Make it make sense,” he pleaded. “What’s holding you back?”

“I don’t think love’s enough,” she said miserably. “It wasn’t enough last time.”

It was his turn to be silent.

“Mai,” he said softly.

“It wasn’t enough last time,” she repeated again. “And it wasn’t enough the time before either. Every time, you always find a new way to hurt me.”

“You’re scared of getting hurt again,” he said.

“So what if I am?” she said bitterly. “You’ve hurt me enough in the past.”

He stared at her for a moment. “Do you seriously think that it didn’t kill me inside when you left. Every single day I wake up and I wish I could go back in time and stop it from happening. Losing you - it changed me. It made me realize just how awful things had gotten and I’ve spent every single day wanting to make it right.”

She was silent and suddenly, she felt his hand in hers.

“I spent days thinking about how I ruined things, wishing I could go back and show you how much you meant to me and hoping that I would get the chance to tell you. I love you. That’s not going to change.”

She looked at him.

“Zuko,” she said softly.

“We can do this. We just need to try, and I’m willing to try if you are.”

For the first time in all those years, Mai briefly let herself consider that maybe they both had changed enough for things to work. And then, she looked up at him, meeting his gaze. She forgot how warm it was and how safe it was. She could see it all written across his face, all the heartbreak, all the longing, and all the hope that had somehow persisted throughout all these years.

And suddenly, Mai knew what she wanted.

“Zuko,” she breathed.

“Just tell me you’re willing to try,” he pleaded. “Please.”

She reached up to cup his face and she felt him lean into her touch, twisting to gently placing a kiss to her wrist.

“Please,” he said again, this time lowering his forehead to meet hers.

And before she knew what she was doing, she tilted her head up to kiss him. She felt him pull her closer and leaned into him more, locking her arms around his neck.

It was soft and gentle and filled with all the words Mai couldn’t bring herself to say aloud.

They broke apart after a moment.

“I love you,” she said quietly. She couldn’t quite describe the relief she felt saying those words aloud - she had spent three years trying to deny it.

“I love you too. You don’t even know how much I love you,” he said, wrapping his arms around her.

“Is that a yes?” he added a moment later.

Mai nodded and intertwined her fingers with his.

“Yes?” he said with a breathy laugh. Mai could see the sparkle in his eyes.

“Yes,” she said again, gently pulling his forehead against hers and closing her eyes.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This got very angsty. Thank you for reading!


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